Self-Portrait

no one asks / for me to be another / Achilles / Heracles / Carrion crow / eye close / to wanting / lips and myths / to stoop lower / slurping another / skin / escape / alchemy / of a hero / or what a man could be / that this body is not the one / that needs to be / kept in the cheek / to chew / desperate arsenal / of men / or what men / could do / if they did not skirt / around their currents / still checking the reflection / to see / if it holds / any difference / like foam on a river / seal and stasis / neither here / nor air / an eddy / a mouth / trap / whorl trembling / barely touched / sent shuddering / a bargain / keep going / so I can tell myself / there is no war / no demi-god / no touch / necessary / that I can be more / than this stripping / this naked wrestling / with no one / vulnerability only / as far / as it exposes / some deeper meaning / Achilles was named pain / right after he was squeezed out / and I don’t even care / about Heracles / just his madness / that he could never be his own man / that my own name in Punjabi means love / means nothing / without this / context / same as any myth / if there were a choice / would I tend to this self? / Transmute the body / like a beak / tending to the aqueous chamber / and then the cranial butter within / but never considering the corpse / of the same likeness / the crows / just loom around the dead / crow simply acknowledging crow / knowing there’s already enough / of everyone else to go around.

 



Click here to read Preet Bhela on the origin of the poem.

Image by narubono on unsplash.com, licensed under CC 2.0.

Preet Bhela:

“Self-Portrait” wrestles with locating an authentic self, which is always an ongoing process. When I first started this poem, it was after writing about my family for months — I felt my own self-image had become muddled. Even though I wanted to break out of that mode, I still found myself writing about others instead of myself. Achilles and Heracles appear in the poem as an interrogation of this. I also found myself questioning why I was drawn to these mythical figures and their archetypal masculinity. The disconnect I felt between those men and myself informed the form of the poem, I wanted the slashes to create a frenetic energy that connects feelings but truncates ideas. In “Self-Portrait,” I try to capture the struggle between myth and self; the allure of it and how the struggle to write an authentic self can be depicted.

Preet Bhela
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